Anxiety

Anxiety, it’s a frustrating illness to have. It’s a frustration that cannot really be understood by those who have never had the unpleasant experience. Sure, all of us get a little anxious at times, such as when we have to make a speech, attend a job interview or want to ask our crush out on a date. What I’m talking about is suffering from debilitating anxiety that is so bad that you go about your life making sure you avoid any of the things that make you anxious. You don’t face your fears, you find your way around them, and that way around them becomes part of your daily routine. For some people it becomes so extreme that their lives are confined to staying inside their house, though thankfully I am not someone who suffers from anxiety bad enough that it stops me from leading a fairly normal life, and most of the time others won’t even realise I suffer from anxiety or how bad I suffer from anxiety unless they are around me when I meet my fears…

I can get anxious and become distressed to the point that I have a panic attack over things that are seemingly small to other people and for reasons which I am often unable to directly explain. If I look deeper I can see the complexities of why I’m anxious over that activity or thing, but other people can take the attitude that they don’t really want to hear about it, they don’t want to listen but are happy to judge that your silly and why can you just ‘Get over it’

I certainly just would like to Get over it, if only it were just that simple, like flicking a switch and turning that fear off. I certainly could do without the physical symptoms, that feeling like there is a brick on your chest, suddenly your lightheaded, but the most embarrassing bit is feeling so overwhelmed that I start crying, and even if I start to calm down a bit just a slight thought of the thing that made me anxious and the tears start pouring down my cheeks again. When I have a panic attack I can feel it for the rest of the day, from the headache I have from all that crying, to that constant self conscious feeling that I have for the rest of the day because I feel so silly.

It’s frustrating having to make adjustments to your life, like having to allow extra time to climb the stairs because I’m too scared of the lift or driving 10 minutes to the doctors just to make an appointment because I’m too scared to make a phone call. While I know these things are frustrating and I wish they would go away, they certainly aren’t going anywhere if people are judgemental and dismissive about my fears. Actually, it’s probably the lack of understanding and the judgements which are made which build up the anxieties in the first place.

The more anxiety affects my life and my ability to do the things I want to do and the more I’m criticized about those fears, the more I start to think to myself that I hate these ridiculous irrational thoughts and I wish it were just as simple as getting over it. It’s certainly not easy to admit your weaknesses to people and to admit to them that something they find easy and can do without a thought, scares you to the point of a panic attack.

Being the ambitious person that I am, I know that if I could change one thing about myself in an instant it would be to be a completely carefree person who does things without hesitation, I would love to live life to the fullest and chase my dreams without anticipating what I’ll do if I’ll fall over.
I dream of a day where I can walk into a room full of people, with a smile on my face, being the first to say hi to everyone, to start a conversation with someone without a self conscious thought in my mind. I want to do things like climb the Sydney Harbour Bridge or bungee jump, and I want to enjoy myself while I make it instead of being tense and anxious the whole way up and back down again.
I want to live life, have minimal or no anxiety and BE HAPPY!