To my close friends and family I am happy, bubbly and I never stop talking. That me is confident and hardly bothered by the little voice in my head that brings on my anxiety.
To those who I don't know well or who I don't feel comfortable around, I honestly don't know how they see me, but I do know how I think everyone else sees me. I live in constant fear of the judgement of others, I get tense if I hear someone whispering or laughing, it makes my mind race with paranoid thoughts as I imagine all the possible things I could have done 'wrong'. Of course when I am really thinking of what I could have done wrong it is really me thinking of every inadequacy I feel about myself and fearing that everyone around me sees and judges me for those inadequacies.
I know deep down that when someone is whispering that they are probably just saying something about themselves which they don't want everyone else to hear. After all when I get paranoid of people whispering it's because I am thinking about myself not them, and the reality is, most people think of themselves, of how things affect them and how the world views them.
Though Social Anxiety is so much more than being self conscious about oneself, for me it alters me to the point that my friends don't recognise me. The girl who excitedly greets everyone turns into the girl who is too scared to say hello to people, I'm always hiding in corners where people can't see me, and being so quite that no one knows I am even around. I get scared of asking for help, making telephone calls... pretty much anything that involves me approaching another person or potentially being judged by another person.
This would all make sense and maybe be ok to me if I was not at all a social person, but I am not that kind of person and I don't want to be that kind of person, I don't want to feel changed and trapped by anxiety, I just want to take away the fear, stop hiding behind a mask, I want to stand up and be the real me.
To those who I don't know well or who I don't feel comfortable around, I honestly don't know how they see me, but I do know how I think everyone else sees me. I live in constant fear of the judgement of others, I get tense if I hear someone whispering or laughing, it makes my mind race with paranoid thoughts as I imagine all the possible things I could have done 'wrong'. Of course when I am really thinking of what I could have done wrong it is really me thinking of every inadequacy I feel about myself and fearing that everyone around me sees and judges me for those inadequacies.
I know deep down that when someone is whispering that they are probably just saying something about themselves which they don't want everyone else to hear. After all when I get paranoid of people whispering it's because I am thinking about myself not them, and the reality is, most people think of themselves, of how things affect them and how the world views them.
Though Social Anxiety is so much more than being self conscious about oneself, for me it alters me to the point that my friends don't recognise me. The girl who excitedly greets everyone turns into the girl who is too scared to say hello to people, I'm always hiding in corners where people can't see me, and being so quite that no one knows I am even around. I get scared of asking for help, making telephone calls... pretty much anything that involves me approaching another person or potentially being judged by another person.
This would all make sense and maybe be ok to me if I was not at all a social person, but I am not that kind of person and I don't want to be that kind of person, I don't want to feel changed and trapped by anxiety, I just want to take away the fear, stop hiding behind a mask, I want to stand up and be the real me.
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